Rainy Day Blues

I figure I need to write something now, just type it out. Time is always in scarce supply for me. Extremely limited. Like water on Dune. The best time to write is now, as I always say.

Anyway, first things first. I’ve been feeling down. Like depressed, border-line suicidal. Down in the dumps. Sometimes the choking loneliness, it gets to me. Deprivation of social life, voluntary or otherwise. I suppose the weather has something to do with it. It’s been raining for at least three days straight. Rain, rain, go away. I don’t mind the rain so much, once in a blue moon. But when it keeps pouring every day without pause, for most of the week, then it kinda gets under your skin. So I suppose my mood is influenced by the weather conditions, more specifically by the rain. More rain also means more gloom, which usually portends cloudy, overcast skies, tinged with grey, and lastly, that means substantially less sunlight. For the past couple days, I haven’t even needed sunglasses while driving in broad daylight, and I’ve been driving quite a bit. That by itself bespeaks a lot — lack of sunlight, one not getting enough sun soon as they wake up, usually that results in a tough time falling asleep, an upset to the circadian rhythm, and of course an overall lower mood.

So I suppose that’s outta the way then. It seems I’ve hit a low point, a valley if you will, across the past months and certainly over this year. Sometimes I think about the sham of my life. Bad memories I wish I could sweep under the rug. I have more terrible memories to suppress, and to lock up, than so than others I feel. Sometimes they came back with a force, when I’m a low point like this, perhaps caused by the weather at present. Hard to explain away the bad memories to an audience. I suppose some of it is the pain of forgoing something.

Reminds me of this terrible movie I saw recently. It’s called “The Substance”. By the way, don’t see that movie. Anyway in one of the scenes, this woman, Elisabeth Sparkle, the main protagonist, she’s a bit older and she calls this guy from her past, who’s also older now, and she sets up a time and place to meet him. At a pizza place or something. Then she agonizes over how to get ready, how to present herself. She’s too focused on personal appearances. Her makeup, lipstick, so on. It’s funny, it’s like she has two personalities. She puts lipstick on, wipes it away, then berates herself and puts it on again, and then she angrily takes a towel and brushes it all off her face. Then, she plops herself on the couch, grabs some junk food, and binge watches something on TV. Then she cries herself to sleep. Meanwhile, her phone is buzzing away, with texts from her guy friend, first playful, joking texts like “I guess all models are fashionably late. I’m sure you will make quite an entrance!” and eventually ones tinged with more and more worry, such as “Are you running late?” then “Is everything ok?” And then it just warp-drives into panic mode from there.

Well, most of my bad memories are like that. Not exactly like, but the general idea of it, wrapped neatly in a nutshell. I have so many of them, where I was afraid to take that step. Like once I was in college, and this guy who I met from a club, texted me to meet him at this place for lunch. Then I got busy with a video game I was playing — oh yes, I was basically addicted to gaming and to one game in particular, at that point in my life — and I forgot all about it. Another spark of potential friendship, extinguished before it had a chance to burn any brighter. I suppose that’s the basic gist of most of my bad memories. FOMO — the fear of missing out — actualized. A few of them have been doors shut forcefully in my face, admittedly, so nothing I could do about them, but more of them, have been missed opportunities and so on. Dropping the ball, to speak colloquially. Well that about sums up most of the bad memories that were going through my head, at the point where I was feeling at one of my lowest of the year so far. Just thinking about those memories and thoughts, and wondering how it really would be great if we could wind back time.

So many mistakes each of us would fix, if we could only jump back 10 years, and give our younger selves a firm, well-deserved slap and shake them like a glass winter globe. “Wake up, fool — wake up and see the daylight, before the sun sets on your youth. Wake up and grow some wisdom.” But that’s the dilemma we face, the bold-faced implausibility of it. The crux of the matter, is that wisdom comes with time, with age. As we get older, we get wiser. We cannot rewind time and impart wisdom to our younger selves, as much as we might want to. So that is why, the best recourse is generally to look to the present, to look ahead, and not get caught up too much with the past. Let bygones be bygones. Even though that’s easier said than done.

Anyway. Less rambling. Let’s talk about what I’ve been up to since my last post.

Sunday

On Sunday, I saw this terrible movie, “The Substance”, after reading such high praise on it. Google shows it has 90% on Rotten Tomatoes, an unheard of high score, 77% Metacritic, and almost all user reviews are favorable, with what seems an average score of 5 stars. So I got tricked into seeing it, in a sense. I fell into the review trap. It’s supposed to be a Horror or a Drama of some sort, and I am generally a fan of Horror. But My God, that movie.

It is literally the worst movie I have ever seen!

It should not even be classified as “Horror”! At best, it’s Absurdist Comedy. And if seeing sick, disgusting, and disfigured things that you wish you could unsee, counts as Horror, then yeah, sure — it’s Horror.

Anyway, for those curious, here is my Google Review of the movie:

Feel free to find my review on Google and vote it helpful. I would appreciate that. The purpose of my review is to make sure that as many people as possible, do NOT see that movie. I want to save them from a horrible waste of their life, about 2 hr 20 min of it. I sat through the entire movie, but it was an ordeal, and actually I meant to get up and leave about halfway through it. It’s like, you kinda knew where it was headed after the halfway point. Why is that? All the characters in that movie make the stupidest decisions. It’s like those moron protagonists that head into a pitch-dark basement in an archetypical, thematic Horror movie. Why would any sane person head into a basement that is cloaked entirely in darkness? I mean there’s zero common sense. Same with the decisions those characters make in this movie, “The Substance”. It’s like, everything stupid they can possible do, they do. Every vice such as greed and pride and gluttony you can have, the characters have them, each in their own way. It’s actually comical when the End comes. You can see the curtain closing down, even from halfway to three-thirds of the movie. Doesn’t make it any less cringe-worthy. Jesus, what a god-awful movie. One of the worst movies that my eyes and ears have ever been forced to watch unfold. What a dumpster fire. Hey-ho!

TODO

I’m gonna add more content to this blog post later, it’s getting kinda late now and I need to turn in.